In a turn of events that left many jaws on the floor and beer cans left half-empty, Anheuser-Busch’s CEO, Maxwell Hoptastic, stunned the world by openly admitting in a press conference earlier today, “Yes, we’re woke.”
For those out of the loop, “woke” is a term rooted in Black American culture that refers to a heightened awareness of social and racial injustice. Over time, it’s become a bit of a cultural catchphrase, often used, sometimes mockingly, to describe companies or individuals that are supposedly very aware and proactive regarding societal issues.
The gathering of journalists, shareholders, and some randomly present college students (because there’s always a few wherever free beer might flow) stared in silent shock as Hoptastic continued, “It’s time the world knew the truth. Our beer has been sustainably brewed using the tears of social activists, and our hops? Handpicked by vegan, gluten-free, non-binary monks from the heights of a gender-neutral mountain.”
Twitter, naturally, went into meltdown mode. #BrewedWithTears became the top trending hashtag, closely followed by #WokeBeer. But what prompted this shocking revelation? Sources say that it might have been Anheuser-Busch’s recent venture into “Woke Beer” – beer cans that changed colors based on the sociopolitical environment. Got a climate change protest to attend? There’s a beer for that. Planning a sit-in for world peace? Cheers to that cause!
Hoptastic added, “We’ve even added a feature in our beers – the more ‘aware’ you are, the better it tastes.” Skeptics immediately questioned this claim, but several ‘taste testers’ at the conference (mostly the aforementioned college students) swore they tasted hints of enlightenment and a dash of moral superiority.
Anheuser-Busch’s stocks, surprisingly, shot up following the announcement. Apparently, being woke is not just good for societal points but also for the wallet. Major market analysts, sipping their enlightened brews, suggested the stock surge was a direct result of the company’s alignment with current social sentiments. Others just believe it’s the novelty factor.
But not everyone was pleased.
Old-school beer lovers took to social media, venting their frustrations. “I miss the good ol’ days when beer was just beer!” tweeted @NotSoWoke45. Another user @ClassicBrewBro lamented, “Why can’t we just drink without being reminded of the world’s problems?”
While many were skeptical of this newfound wokeness, others embraced it wholeheartedly. Local activist, FreeThinker McBelieve, ecstatically shared, “Finally! A beer that gets me. Each sip just screams equality and justice. Also, hints of citrus.”
Several celebrities jumped on the bandwagon, with famed actress Gloria Shoutloud posting an Instagram story of her sipping the brew with the caption, “Getting woke one sip at a time. Also, do you guys taste that hint of empowerment?”
Even competing brands felt the pressure to step up their game. Rumor has it that rival companies are now scrambling to release their own versions of socially-conscious beers, including “SustainaBrew” and “EcoAle.” As the press conference wrapped up, Hoptastic, holding up a shimmering can of Woke Beer, declared, “Here’s to a new era of beer-drinking. Where each sip not only gives you a buzz but also makes you a better person.”
To which the audience erupted in applause, mostly from the college students hoping for another round. Though time will tell whether Anheuser-Busch’s foray into the ‘woke market’ will be a sustainable success, one thing is for sure: the world of beer will never be the same again.
